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| History |
| 11.18.05 (10:22 pm) [edit] |
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on the planet, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball, because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe that Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. The liberals crept in after the wild west was tamed, and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
And you thought history was boring.
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| a good one |
| 08.10.05 (9:34 pm) [edit] |
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Bill and Hillary are at the Red Sox World Series Game 4; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill. At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no".
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was an unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Bill hesitates...but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it!
Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby..."
With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field.
She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming,"Bill you "!^$#@&!"
The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up &down, cheering, hooting & hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch!"
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| protesting is cool |
| 08.02.05 (8:36 pm) [edit] |
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| Joe Wilson's Top Ten Worst Inaccuracies And Misstatements |
| 07.14.05 (9:42 am) [edit] |
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1.) Wilson Insisted That The Vice President’s Office Sent Him To Niger: Wilson Said He Traveled To Niger At CIA Request To Help Provide Response To Vice President’s Office. “In February 2002, I was informed by officials at the Central Intelligence Agency that Vice President Dick Cheney’s office had questions about a particular intelligence report. … The agency officials asked if I would travel to Niger to check out the story so they could provide a response to the vice president’s office.” (Joseph C. Wilson, Op-Ed, “What I Didn’t Find In Africa,” The New York Times, 7/6/03)
- Joe Wilson: “[W]hat They Did, What The Office Of The Vice President Did, And, In Fact, I Believe Now From Mr. Libby’s Statement, It Was Probably The Vice President Himself ...” (CNN’s “Late Edition,” 8/3/03)
Vice President Cheney: “I Don’t Know Joe Wilson. I’ve Never Met Joe Wilson. … And Joe Wilson - I Don’t [Know] Who Sent Joe Wilson. He Never Submitted A Report That I Ever Saw When He Came Back.” (NBC’s “Meet The Press,” 9/14/03) CIA Director George Tenet: “In An Effort To Inquire About Certain Reports Involving Niger, CIA’s Counter-Proliferation Experts, On Their Own Initiative, Asked An Individual With Ties To The Region To Make A Visit To See What He Could Learn.” (Central Intelligence Agency, “Statement By George J. Tenet, Director Of Central Intelligence,” Press Release, 7/11/03) 2.) Wilson Claimed The Vice President And Other Senior White House Officials Were Briefed On His Niger Report: “[Wilson] Believed That [His Report] Would Have Been Distributed To The White House And That The Vice President Received A Direct Response To His Question About The Possible Uranium Deal.” (Senate Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Assessments On Iraq,” 7/7/04) The Senate Select Committee On Intelligence Reported That The Vice President Was Not Briefed On Wilson’s Report. “Conclusion 14. The Central Intelligence Agency should have told the Vice President and other senior policymakers that it had sent someone to Niger to look into the alleged Iraq-Niger uranium deal and it should have briefed the Vice President on the former ambassador’s findings.” (Senate Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Assessments On Iraq,” 7/7/04) CIA Director George Tenet: “Because This Report, In Our View, Did Not Resolve Whether Iraq Was Or Was Not Seeking Uranium From Abroad, It Was Given A Normal And Wide Distribution, But We Did Not Brief It To The President, Vice-President Or Other Senior Administration Officials.” (Central Intelligence Agency, “Statement By George J. Tenet, Director Of Central Intelligence,” Press Release, 7/11/03) 3.) Wilson Has Claimed His Niger Report Was Conclusive And Significant Wilson Claims His Trip Proved There Was Nothing To The Uranium “Allegations.” “I knew that [Dr. Rice] had fundamentally misstated the facts. In fact, she had lied about it. I had gone out and I had undertaken this study. I had come back and said that this was not feasible. … This government knew that there was nothing to these allegations.” (NBC’s, “Meet The Press,” 5/2/04) Officials Said Evidence In Wilson’s Niger Report Was “Thin” And His “Homework Was Shoddy.” (Michael Duffy, “Leaking With A Vengeance,” Time, 10/13/03) Senate Select Committee On Intelligence Unanimous Report: “Conclusion 13. The Report On The Former Ambassador’s Trip To Niger, Disseminated In March 2002, Did Not Change Any Analysts’ Assessments Of The Iraq-Niger Uranium Deal.” (Senate Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Assessments On Iraq,” 7/7/04)
- “For Most Analysts, The Information In The Report Lent More Credibility To The Original Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) Report On The Uranium Deal, But State Department Bureau Of Intelligence And Research (INR) Analysts Believed That The Report Supported Their Assessments That Niger Was Unlikely To Be Willing Or Able To Sell Uranium.” (Senate Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Assessments On Iraq,” 7/7/04)
CIA Said Wilson’s Findings Did Not Resolve The Issue. “Because [Wilson’s] report, in our view, did not resolve whether Iraq was or was not seeking uranium from abroad, it was given a normal and wide distribution, but we did not brief it to the president, vice president or other senior administration officials. We also had to consider that the former Nigerien officials knew that what they were saying would reach the U.S. government and that this might have influenced what they said.” (Central Intelligence Agency, “Statement By George J. Tenet, Director Of Central Intelligence,” Press Release 7/11/03) The Butler Report Claimed That The President’s State Of the Union Statement On Uranium From Africa, “Was Well-Founded.” “We conclude that, on the basis of the intelligence assessments at the time, covering both Niger and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the statements on Iraqi attempts to buy uranium from Africa in the Government’s dossier, and by the Prime Minister in the House of Commons, were well-founded. By extension, we conclude also that the statement in President Bush’s State of the Union Address of 28 January 2003 that: ‘The British Government has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa.’ was well-founded.” (The Rt. Hon. The Lord Butler Of Brockwell, “Review Of Intelligence, On Weapons Of Mass Destruction,” 7/14/04) 4.) Wilson Denied His Wife Suggested He Travel To Niger In 2002: Wilson Claimed His Wife Did Not Suggest He Travel To Niger To Investigate Reports Of Uranium Deal; Instead, Wilson Claims It Came Out Of Meeting With CIA. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer: “Among other things, you had always said, always maintained, still maintain your wife, Valerie Plame, a CIA officer, had nothing to do with the decision to send to you Niger to inspect reports that uranium might be sold from Niger to Iraq. … Did Valerie Plame, your wife, come up with the idea to send you to Niger?” Joe Wilson: “No. My wife served as a conduit, as I put in my book. When her supervisors asked her to contact me for the purposes of coming into the CIA to discuss all the issues surrounding this allegation of Niger selling uranium to Iraq.” (CNN’s “Late Edition,” 7/18/04)
- But Senate Select Committee On Intelligence Received Not Only Testimony But Actual Documentation Indicating Wilson’s Wife Proposed Him For Trip. “Some CPD, [CIA Counterproliferation Division] officials could not recall how the office decided to contact the former ambassador, however, interviews and documents provided to the Committee indicate that his wife, a CPD employee, suggested his name for the trip. The CPD reports officer told Committee staff that the former ambassador’s wife ‘offered up his name’ and a memorandum to the Deputy Chief of the CPD on February 12, 2002, from the former ambassador’s wife says, ‘my husband has good relations with both the PM [prime minister] and the former Minister of Mines (not to mention lots of French contacts), both of whom could possibly shed light on this sort of activity.’” (Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Intelligence Assessments On Iraq,” U.S. Senate, 7/7/04)
5.) Wilson Has Claimed His 1999 Trip To Niger Was Not Suggested By His Wife: Wilson Claims CIA Thought To Ask Him To Make Trip Because He Had Previously Made Trip For Them In 1999, Not Because Of His Wife’s Suggestion. CNN’s Wolf Blitzer: “Who first raised your name, then, based on what you know? Who came up with the idea to send you there?” Joe Wilson: “The CIA knew my name from a trip, and it’s in the report, that I had taken in 1999 related to uranium activities but not related to Iraq. I had served for 23 years in government including as Bill Clinton’s Senior Director for African Affairs at the National Security Council. I had done a lot of work with the Niger government during a period punctuated by a military coup and a subsequent assassination of a president. So I knew all the people there.” (CNN’s “Late Edition,” 7/18/04) In Fact, His Wife Suggested Him For 1999 Trip, As Well. “The former ambassador had traveled previously to Niger on the CIA’s behalf … The former ambassador was selected for the 1999 trip after his wife mentioned to her supervisors that her husband was planning a business trip to Niger in the near future and might be willing to use his contacts in the region …” (Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Intelligence Assessments On Iraq,” U.S. Senate, 7/7/04) 6.) Wilson Claimed He Was A Victim Of A Partisan Smear Campaign Joe Wilson: “Well, I Don’t Know. Obviously, There’s Been This Orchestrated Campaign, This Smear Campaign. I Happen To Think That It’s Because The RNC, The Republican National Committee’s Been Involved In This In A Big Way …” CNN’s Wolf Blitzer: “But They Weren’t Involved In The Senate Intelligence Committee Report.” Wilson: “No, They Weren’t.” (CNN’s “Late Edition,” 7/18/04) Senate Intelligence Committee Unanimously Concluded That Wilson’s Report “Lent More Credibility” For Most Analysts “To The Original Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) Reports.” “Conclusion 13. The report on the former ambassador’s trip to Niger, disseminated in March 2002, did not change any analysts’ assessments of the Iraq-Niger uranium deal. For most analysts, the information in the report lent more credibility to the original Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) reports on the uranium deal, but the State Department Bureau of Intelligence and Research (INR) analysts believed that the report supported their assessment that Niger was unlikely to be willing or able to sell uranium to Iraq.” (Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Intelligence Assessments On Iraq,” U.S. Senate, 7/7/04) Members Of The Senate Select Committee On Intelligence That Wrote The Unanimous “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Intelligence Assessments On Iraq”:
Sen. Jay Rockefeller (D-WV)
Sen. Carl Levin (D-MI) Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) Sen. Ron Wyden (D-OR) Sen. Richard Durbin (D-IL) Sen. Evan Bayh (D-IN) Sen. John Edwards (D-NC) Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-MD) Sen. Pat Roberts (R-KS) Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) Sen. Mike DeWine (R-OH) Sen. Christopher Bond (R-MO) Sen. Trent Lott (R-MS) Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-ME) Sen. Chuck Hagel (R-NE) Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) Sen. John Warner (R-VA) (Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Intelligence Assessments On Iraq,” U.S. Senate, 7/7/04)
7.) A Month Before The Bob Novak And Matthew Cooper Articles Ever Came Out, Wilson Told The Washington Post That Previous Intelligence Reports About Niger Were Based On Forged Documents:
In June Of 2003, Wilson Told The Washington Post “The Niger Intelligence Was Based On Documents That Had Clearly Been Forged Because ‘The Dates Were Wrong And The Names Were Wrong.’” (Susan Schmidt, “Plame’s Input Is Cited On Niger Mission,” The Washington Post, 7/10/04)
However, “The [Senate Select Committee On Intelligence] Report … Said Wilson Provided Misleading Information To The Washington Post Last June [12th, 2003].” (Susan Schmidt, “Plame’s Input Is Cited On Niger Mission,” The Washington Post, 7/10/04)
- Senate Select Committee On Intelligence Unanimous Report: “The Former Ambassador Said That He May Have ‘Misspoken’ To The Reporter When He Said He Concluded The Documents Were ‘Forged.’” (Senate Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Assessments On Iraq,” 7/7/04)
8.) Wilson Claimed His Book Would Enrich Debate:
NBC’s Katie Couric: “What Do You Hope The Whole Point Of This Book Will Be? Joe Wilson: “Well, I - I Hope, One, It Will Tell - It Tries To Tell An Interesting Story. Two, I Hope That It Enriches The Debate In A Year In Which We Are All Called Upon As Americans To Elect Our Leaders. And Three, … That [It] Says That This Is A Great Democracy That Is Worthy Of Our Taking Our Responsibilities As Stewards Seriously.” (NBC’s “Today Show,” 5/3/04)
Wilson Admits In His Book That He Had Been Involved In “A Little Literary Flair” When Talking To Reporters. “[Wilson] wrote in his book, he told Committee staff that his assertion may have involved ‘a little literary flair.’” (Matthew Continetti, “‘A Little Literary Flair’” The Weekly Standard, 7/26/04)
Wilson’s Book The Politics Of Truth: Inside The Lies That Put The White House On Trial And Betrayed My Wife’s CIA Identity Has Been Panned In Numerous Reviews For Its Inaccuracies:
- “On Page One Of Chapter One, He Quotes NBC Talk Show Host Chris Matthews, Who Told Him That, After Mr. Wilson Chose To Go Public: ‘Wilson’s Wife Is Fair Game.’ Later, He Bases His List Of Suspect Leakers On Conversations With Members Of The News Media And A ‘Source Close To The House Judiciary Committee.’” (Eli Lake, Op-Ed, “Don’t Quit Your Day Job, Mr. Wilson,” New York Post, 5/4/04)
- “For Example, When Asked How He ‘Knew’ That The Intelligence Community Had Rejected The Possibility Of A Niger-Iraq Uranium Deal, As He Wrote In His Book, He Told [Senate Intelligence] Committee Staff That His Assertion May Have Involved ‘A Little Literary Flair.’” (Matthew Continetti, “‘A Little Literary Flair,’” The Weekly Standard, 7/26/04)
- The Boston Globe: “In Essence, Much Of Wilson’s Book Is An Attempt To Portray The Bush Administration As A Ministry Of Fear Whose Mission In Pursuing War In Iraq Required It To Proclaim A Lie As Truth.” (Michael D. Langan, Op-Ed, “‘Truth’ Makes Much Of Bush Controversy,” The Boston Globe, 5/4/04)
- Newsweek’s Evan Thomas Wrote In The Washington Post: “[W]ilson’s Claims And Conclusions Are Either Long Hashed Over Or Based On What The Intelligence Business Describes As ‘Rumint,’ Or Rumor Intelligence.” (Evan Thomas, Op-Ed, “Indecent Exposure,” The Washington Post, 5/16/04)
9.) Wilson Claimed The CIA Provided Him With Information Related To The Iraq-Niger Uranium Transaction:
“The Former Ambassador Noted That His CIA Contacts Told Him There Were Documents Pertaining To The Alleged Iraq-Niger Uranium Transaction And That The Source Of The Information Was The [Redacted] Intelligence Service.” (Senate Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Assessments On Iraq,” 7/7/04)
- However, “The DO [Director Of Operations At The CIA] Reports Officer Told Committee Staff That He Did Not Provide The Former Ambassador With Any Information About The Source Or Details …” (Senate Select Committee On Intelligence, “Report On The U.S. Intelligence Community’s Prewar Assessments On Iraq,” 7/7/04)
10.) Wilson Claimed He Is A Non-Partisan “Centrist”:
Recently, Joe Wilson Refused To Admit He Is A Registered Democrat. NBC’s Jamie Gangel: “You are a Democrat?” Joe Wilson: “I exercise my rights as a citizen of this country to participate in the selection of my leaders and I am proud to do so. I did so in the election in 2000 by contributing not just to Al Gore's campaign, but also to the Bush-Cheney campaign.” (NBC’s “Today Show,” 7/14/05)
“[Wilson] Insist[s] He Remained A Centrist At Heart.” (Scott Shane, “Private Spy And Public Spouse Live At Center Of Leak Case,” The New York Times, 7/5/05)
- Joe Wilson Is A Registered Democrat. (District Of Columbia Voter Registrations, Accessed 7/14/05)
- Joseph Wilson Has Donated Over $8,000 To Democrats Including $2,000 To John Kerry For President In 2003, $1,000 To Hillary Clinton’s (D-NY) HILLPAC In 2002 And $3,000 To Al Gore In 1999. (The Center For Responsive Politics Website, www.opensecrets.org, Accessed 7/12/05)
- Wilson Endorsed John Kerry For President In October 2003 And Advised The Kerry Campaign. (David Tirrell-Wysocki, “Former Ambassador Wilson Endorses Kerry In Presidential Race,” The Associated Press, 10/23/03)
- “[Wilson] Admits ‘It Will Be A Cold Day In Hell Before I Vote For A Republican, Even For Dog Catcher.’” (Scott Shane, “Private Spy And Public Spouse Live At Center Of Leak Case,” The New York Times, 7/5/05)
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| MAY 2009: EXCERPT FROM THE TRANSCRIPTS OF THE SENATE COMMITTEE HEARING ON PRESIDENT HILLARY CLINTON. |
| 05.13.05 (9:24 am) [edit] |
SENATOR GUILIANI: Who are these other people with you?
BARBRA STREISAND: To my right is my agent. Beside him is my publicist. On my left is my personal assistant. And Fred is the guy who gets my water. Fiji water. Tap is poisonous thanks to the last administration’s failure to adopt Kyoto. That would be one of the first issues I’d bring up as Ambassador--
SENATOR GUILLIANI: We’ll get to that, Miss Streisand. I’ve just never seen a nominee bringing so many people to the table. It’s unprecedented.
BARBRA STREISAND: A singing Jewish girl playing the romantic lead in a feature film was unprecedented. May I remind you that I went on to win the Oscar for Best Actress in “Funny Girl”--
SENATOR GUILIANI: Well, unorthodox then.
BARBRA STREISAND: “Yentl” was unorthodox.
SENATOR GUILIANI: Let’s just proceed. Miss Streisand, I want to begin by asking you your views on the International Law of the Sea Treaty. Specifically—
BARBRA STREISAND: I’m pro-sea.
SENATOR GUILIANI: What I wanted to ask—
MISS STREISAND’S PUBLICIST: She’s very pro-sea. I can attest to that, Senator. We’ve had many discussions about the sea at my client’s house in Malibu, and they were all very positive. Especially about the view. It’s a fabulous view, Senator.
SENATOR GUILIANI: Thank you for bringing up Malibu.
BARBRA STREISAND: I told you not to speak, idiot.
SENATOR GUILIANI: I’m afraid I didn’t hear you, Miss Streisand. Did you wish to add something?
BARBRA STREISAND: No, Senator.
SENATOR GUILIANI: So this Law of the Sea Treaty: If you’re not familiar with it, I can tell you that basically it governs how we as mankind share and use the sea.
BARBRA STREISAND: Whose sea are we talking about here? Mine or my neighbors’?
SENATOR GUILIANI: Everyone’s. And this brings me to Malibu. Isn’t it true that you’ve tried to block people taking photographs of your sea property? Not only that—that you’ve sought to block people who might take photos from the air and indeed satellite photos of your portion of the sea?
BARBRA STREISAND: They were paparazzi! They were miserable, lousy, wormy paparazzi trying to crash my wedding!
SENATOR GUILIANI: That may be so, but what sort of message to humanity does this send? How would our own neighbors at the U.N. feel about an Ambassador so hostile to their rights to the sea?
BARBRA STREISAND: That’s right-wing propaganda! There is no one—NO ONE—more dedicated to the sea than I am. I pay millions—millions!—to protect it. I’m on ocean preservation boards! I’m committed to fighting coastal erosion!
SENATOR GUILIANI: And also fighting Malibu City Council. Didn’t you have trouble when you tried to convert some of that precious coastal land into a bigger house for you and your new husband?
BARBRA STREISAND: That’s a lie! The plans were eco-sensitive! That was a case of angry local developers trying to punish me for my environmental activism—
SENATOR GUILIANI: The environmentalists were angry, too.
MISS STREISAND’S PUBLICIST: If I may speak for my client—
BARBRA STREISAND: Shut up!
MISS STREISAND’S AGENT: Get some more water, Fred. She’s turning red—
COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN: Recess!
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| Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell are seen here playing a game of tennis. |
| 04.27.05 (11:41 pm) [edit] |
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| Bill & Hillary ride again |
| 04.25.05 (11:12 am) [edit] |
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On a busy road, a female toad makes haste, with her male partner clinging on, as a speeding car approaches.
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| Jesus loves Porn Stars |
| 03.28.05 (2:03 am) [edit] |
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| My banner sucks and I know it!!! |
| 03.12.05 (1:05 am) [edit] |
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Look I don't know what the deal is with my banner. For some reason he doesn't want to play cool anymore and I don't know why. So bear with a brother until I can fix it.
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| Typoglycemia |
| 03.03.05 (2:48 pm) [edit] |
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch taem at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Such a cdonition is arppoiately cllaed Typoglycemia :)-
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and yuo awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
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| less than adequate camoflauge |
| 03.01.05 (11:49 pm) [edit] |
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I see you Mr. Pothead. You cannot hide from me!
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| Bubba and Billy Bob: |
| 02.23.05 (11:27 pm) [edit] |
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They are walking along the street, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 per pair."
Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Bob, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Mill Spring, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Now when we go in there you be quiet, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow West Virginia drawl so's they don't know.
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake West Virginia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll are from Kentucky , ain't you?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Bubba...."How come you know that?"
The owner says, "Because this is a dry-cleaners!!!!!
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| France & terrorism |
| 02.18.05 (3:05 am) [edit] |
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Are the French serious about fighting the War on Terror? Judging by their position on Hezbollah, they're not. What else would explain why the French government won't label Hezbollah a terrorist group?

"Dave McPeek, How dare you!!! What kind of man do you think I am?"
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| Ordering some "Sliders" |
| 02.16.05 (11:59 am) [edit] |
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Kid Rock ordering some "sliders" at White Castle after a long night of boozing it up at various strip clubs in Nashville, Tenn.
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| TRAIN TICKET |
| 02.07.05 (5:25 pm) [edit] |
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George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train the Super Bowl.
At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket.
"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing.
"Watch and learn," answers Hilary.
They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.
When they get to the station they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all.
"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary.
"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.
When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."
(And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.)
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| A Million... |
| 02.05.05 (11:54 pm) [edit] |
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A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
To which the Lord replies, "A penny."
Finally the man asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
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| Top 10 most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down... by David Letterman |
| 02.05.05 (11:37 pm) [edit] |
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10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped...
1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.
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| Jesus and the Burglar |
| 01.19.05 (10:40 pm) [edit] |
The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe.
Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth. He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time he nearly jumped out of his skin, he was so freaked out. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room and noticed a bird cage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage. "Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar.
"Yes, I am," said the parrot.
"Why did you say 'Jesus is watching you'?'" asked the man.
"Because I felt like you needed to be warned," replied the parrot.
By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare him.
"What's your name?" asked the burglar.
"Moses," the parrot said.
"Hah," the man said, guffawing. "What kind of people would name their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus."
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| Michael Moore Sighting |
| 01.15.05 (12:52 am) [edit] |
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| How To Clean Your Toilet The Fun Way: |
| 01.12.05 (8:15 pm) [edit] |
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1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
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| My Inspiration |
| 01.05.05 (10:38 am) [edit] |
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| Just because you can't eat pork... doesn't mean you won't want to! |
| 01.04.05 (7:13 am) [edit] |
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| Peek-a-boo |
| 01.03.05 (12:14 am) [edit] |
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| Brendan at Last Years Staff Picnic! |
| 12.31.04 (6:14 pm) [edit] |

I'm representin' yo!
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